Define: Different

Things were different when Cara moved in with us.

I don't remember quite when it was, but after a while, I was glad to have her around. We were pretty close for a while. After I was at camp all summer and went to Spring Arbor, things weren't the same, but we were still friends. This year, she and my stepsister moved out to their own apartment in Ypsilanti.

Cara has anger issues; there are a few holes in our walls that weren't there before she moved in. My parents weren't happy, but they were just walls.

Tonight my dad told me that last night she got drunk and beat up my stepsister, trashed their apartment, started a fight with another friend, and then fought the police when they showed up. They arrested her then, and released her tonight. My stepmom told her she's not welcome at the apartment, and I'm going to assume that she's not particularly welcome at our house either. Cara's mom picked her up from jail, and it sounds like Cara will be going back to living with her.

She came to our house to get out of a bad family situation, and I don't know how things will be for her since she's going back.
Part of me is scared that I won't see her again.
I still have her Christmas present.
Would it be awkward for me to give it to her now?



Things are different again.

Christmas shopping is getting crazy...

There are eight people to shop for for my immediate family, then seven from my not-really-related-to-me-but-I've-known-them-my-whole-life-and-we-say-we're-family family, plus Jamin and the three girls from my small group (which I got, wrapped, and gave before leaving school).


I made a dent in the rest of it yesterday.

It's Wednesday!

I told Becca if I ever volunteer to work these hours again to slap me.



Excluding Friday.


Two more hours, then I'll only have four things left to do before I am done...


Someone fell asleep on the floor, and when he woke up he had the carpet grains imprinted on his face. It made me feel a little better.

So close...

This is it.

12am-2am Tuesday: Library Helpdesk
7:45am-9am Tuesday: Philosophy of Ministry
10am-12pm Tuesday: Biology lab final
12pm-2pm Tuesday: Greek study session
2am-8am Wednesday: Library Helpdesk
1pm-3pm Wednesday: Greek final
1pm-3pm Thursday: Biology final
3pm-5pm Thursday: Helpdesk
2am-8am Friday: Library Helpdesk

I feel that if I can make it to 3:00 Thursday I will be all set.
Then to my aunt's with Becca Friday evening, and SBC with Nurse Ann on Saturday!

I'm excited.






And procrastinating.
I should go write my paper now.

Define: Headache

My greek exam is on Wednesday.

I can't think of a title.

A social work class on campus is collecting beauty supplies to donate to local women's shelters and agencies. I went to Target today and spent a little over $60 on things to give. And then I wondered how much I spend on myself in a year. Probably more than that.

I heard about a church who did a ministry to single mothers, babysitting their children while women from the congregation who were hairdressers and such gave them makeovers. I think that would be a really cool thing to do. More than once I have thought it would be neat to be a hairdresser, and this made me think about it again.


Then again, if the haircut that I gave my Barbie was any indication of my skill, maybe not...




On a side note (ish), in eighth grade my class went out to JCC's Career Center, where we walked through some of the classes and saw what they did. I mistakenly signed up for cosmetology, reading it as 'cometology' (at this point I'd had my heart set on being an astronaut).


That was a letdown.

This produces good character, right?

It is going to be so hard to get up tomorrow and go to my class and 7:45.

And it will probably be even harder to go to my biology lab after, where we're going to be dissecting a fetal pig.


But as soon as that's over, I'm outta here.
:)

Okay...

...I'm ready for winter to be over now.

I have come to find...

...that, surprisingly, the rudest calls I get at the Help Desk are from Spring Arbor staff. I actually had someone hang up on me on Friday. She was angry because she couldn't send e-mails. I told her that one of our servers wasn't working properly, and we were doing emergency repairs at noon (it was probably around 11 when this happened). She was very short with me and told me that she was in contact with such and such and needed to send e-mails. I told her that everyone using a Spring Arbor e-mail was having this problem, and we were going to do repairs at noon. She got ruder, so said, "We're doing repairs at noon, but I will check to see if there is anything else I can do." I put her on hold, and just waited for a few seconds. I had just asked my supervisor about the problem, because the person before her had called with the same thing. He was on a call, and I knew there was nothing he could do, so I got back on the line, and said, "I'm sorry, we're going to be doing repairs at noon, and that will fix the problem." She didn't say anything for about 5 seconds, and then I heard her say, "Yes, can you connect me to *name*?" She was calling someone else while she was on the phone with me! Then she said, "Well I'm getting in contact with our person here because I need my e-mail (she wasn't on the main campus)." I started to say, "I'm sorry I couldn't be more help," but she hung up while I was talking.

I wanted to call her back and tell her that her inside man couldn't do anything, because the server on main campus was down, and she would have to wait, just like the guy before her who called and was nice about it, and that being rude to me didn't get her anywhere with her problem, but that I did include it in the problem ticket.


A close second for rude people is adult students.



I've never had a bad call with a younger student, they're really nice about everything.

Poop and Sunshine

One morning at camp, a bird pooped on my face.

Now, this was a literal event, but we all kind of feel as if we've been pooped on sometimes, don't we? Sometimes we're standing under a tree in the beautiful morning light, minding our own business, when someone drops something unexpected on us. It's not our fault, but we do have a choice about what to do with it. We can let it ruin our day, crying to everyone who will listen about the mess that we've been left to deal with, hiding our face in embarrassment, or we can walk to the bathroom, wash it off (making sure to use lots and LOTS of soap), and move on. Nobody wants to be pooped on, but sometimes it’s beyond our control. You can choose not to stand under trees just like you can carefully choose the crowd you hang out with, but birds don’t just poop while they’re sitting in trees. You could choose to never go outside again, or always have an umbrella above your head, but what kind of life is that?

Ultimately, you’re probably going to get pooped on at some point (maybe not literally, but figuratively). And when that happens, you’ll have a choice. I challenge you to go wash it off, and go on with your day. And even if more bad things happen, like you twist your ankle or the battery in your watch dies, it’s not the end of the world. Next time you go down those stairs, watch out for the step that got you last time, and go get a new battery for your watch. Even when more and more things seem to be piling up, it won’t stay that way forever. Take it one step at a time and keep on living your life. Don’t be afraid to go outside because of the bird poop; don’t hold an umbrella over your head all the time: you’ll never feel the warmth of the sun on your face.

I challenge you to throw open your front door and go outside. Don’t be afraid of what could happen, live for what is happening and let the sun shine on you.


Just make sure that you’ve got some sunscreen handy, and lots of soap, just in case.




-jodi

Define: Epic

Last time one of our goldfish died (Mittens, to be specific), we borrowed a trumpet and I played the most pathetic Taps you've ever heard when we flushed her. Him? I don't think we ever decided.

In any case, we decided that the next time, we should actually bury the fish.



And we did not have to wait long, unfortunately.


Eustace has passed on (Victoria did too, but I've been sick and we just flushed her), and today we shall bury him outside of Casey Mellinger's window whilst belting out My Heart Will Go On.




It will be epic.

Happy day a la birth, Vati!

It's my dad's birthday.

I made him these:




And in them will go these:




Okay, story behind the "Uhh..." frame:
For my sister's wedding, we had to walk down the aisle with the groomsmen holding our wrist/elbow in this weird way, and it didn't work the same way on the way out. Plus, my brother stuck his arm out funny for me, so I didn't know what to do. We tried for a second, then I made a ridiculous confused face, and everyone started laughing. Someone managed to catch it on camera, and it's on Facebook, albeit a little blurry. We recreated the moment later, which is the picture I'm putting in frame.



Aww, I wish they weren't all weird and chopped off...
If you click on them you can see the whole picture.

"Are you sure you can't be pregnant?" "Well, I did hold hands with a boy yesterday..."

Today, for the first time in a long time, a medical person believed me when I told them that there was no way I could be pregnant.


When someone doesn't believe me and keeps asking, it typically really bothers me that they think I'm lying and that I am running around having wild and crazy unprotected sex. But then after I get over it, it strikes me as being really sad that they can't believe me. How often do they have patients lie to them and tell them that they can't be pregnant, only to find out later that they are?

We're living in a time where that has to be common, probably even normal, and that breaks my heart.


I would love to do a ministry working with young/teen girls where they are just loved and sincerely told that they are beautiful. I want to find a way to tell girls that they don't have to show 90% of their skin to be attractive; that they don't have to sleep with a guy to get love; that they can do something with their lives.

I think that our culture has got it all wrong, and the young ones are paying for it.

Define: ...what?

My teacher actually wrote "LOL!" on my paper.



Mind blown.

Define: Hopeless

I don't think I've ever felt this hopeless about school.

Greek is so much harder than I thought it would be. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. This, combined with a growing desire to not get a degree, is causing a lot of stress and frustration.

Other than Greek my classes are fine. There was a point earlier this semester when I felt totally overwhelmed, but now I feel like I can handle it. Except for Greek.

I dread Mondays; I live for the weekends.



I can't finish the semester like this.

Sorry...

Oops, now that link in the post before this actually goes somewhere. :)

Presenting: Something I do when I'm bored

I'm starting a new project. Maybe this will launch me to instant fame and I will write a book.

Or draw a book.


Embellished for Humor Only

T minus 8 minutes til bed...

I am getting ahead on some of the weekly articles we have to do for one of my classes. We turn one in tomorrow (well, I guess it's today now...), and I've got the next two weeks done already. And I've got my biology article done for next week. If only these were the big projects instead of the busy work...

I think I am finally getting the hang of Mondays. I just have to keep myself busy during the 12:00-2:00 am shift, and I'm alright. Last week I didn't come in with homework, and I almost didn't make it. Maybe by next Monday I'll be done with my articles for the semester! That would be really exciting.


I wish it would stop being cold. I'm ready for summer already.

Define: Oops...

While I was working at the Helpdesk today, someone called from the Fieldhouse and said, "Can you connect me to the Holton Health Center?!"


I wasn't sure why they called the Helpdesk for that; personally, I probably would have called the switchboard.

In any case, I wasn't about to deny them, so I said, "Yep, let me look up the extension...okay, I'll transfer you."

And I hit the "Transfer" button.


Only to discover .5 seconds later that it was actually the "End Call" button.




Oops.

Define: Unfair

Why do teachers assign group projects? They know the workload is going to be unfair, right? They were students once, don't they remember?

I got stuck with putting together the powerpoint and bibliography for our presentation tomorrow, and I'm scared. Allison and I did what we were supposed to, but no one else did. One kid hasn't even been to any of our group meetings. No one has heard anything from him about it. And I am NOT staying up until 2 in the morning waiting for people to e-mail me their slides. I told everyone to have it to me today by 3:30. I have other things to do, and it's not fair for me to have to wait around for their stuff. I'm afraid that this is going to cause a problem in the morning if someone did send me their stuff at 3 am, but is that really my responsibility? I gave them a deadline. Our class is at 7:45, the library won't even be open yet for me to combine the slides before class.

I'm even more scared about the written part; I'm not sure if anyone besides Allison and I will even do it at this point.



And naturally we have to present first.

Oh goodness...

I don't know how I am going to make it through Mondays for the rest of the semester. I'm pretty concerned about making it through the next hour, actually. I try to sleep between my 4-8 shift and this one, but my body just won't have it, so by the time I get out of here I am a zombie. And I have a 7:45 am class.


Ergh.


At least I'm not super behind on homework right now.
And I am knitting a cool hat. Well, it will theoretically be cool. It's a bit trickier than I thought it would be. But I don't think it'll be too bad... I'm gonna wear it either way.

Hurrah!

Someone from the Help Desk had extra hard drive, and I am excited to say that I am writing this from my laptop!

Why is my technology turning against me?

A day or two after my hard drive crash I tried using my mp3 player because I hadn't listened to any music since my computer died.  And of course it's dead now too.

I exhausted my recovery options for the hard drive, nothing worked.  So this morning I gave it to Tom, and he erased it.  I actually teared up, it was really hard.  However, after the erase, it still didn't work.

So I am either buying a new hard drive or selling the parts of my laptop to buy a new one.

Either way, it monetarily hurts.

:/

Define: Crushed

My hard drive crashed on Wednesday night.

I haven't backed up since I got to school.

Argh.

I really hate this book.

Sometimes...

...I really wish I cared less about what people thought.

Define: Shameless Plug

This is what I did this morning.  :)

I am still excited about Greek, not so excited about the grammar part of it.  It's brought me to tears more than once, but today's class helped a lot.

I am surviving another Monday, probably not as gracefully as one might hope, but I am surviving.

Define: Crap Timing

I am currently working at the Help Desk in the library.  My computer wasn't loading Etsy when I tried to look at it yesterday or the day before, but I wasn't really concerned.  It was sad, but not a huge problem.

This morning, MSN messenger kept telling me my username didn't exist or my password was wrong.  Which made no sense, because I have it set so that it saves my username and password and automatically logs me on.  After I tried it manually a time or three, I gave up, it wasn't that big of a deal.  So I tried to check my hotmail from www.hotmail.com.  That didn't load.  At all.  Which was also really strange.  So I tried it on the computer next to me.  Which also wouldn't load it.  As I was trying to figure it out, someone else in the lab was having the same problem.  I told her I was working on it.

And I did, for a long time, but I can't figure it out.  I called someone off campus, theirs is fine.  I tried msn.com, which also didn't work.  I called my roommate, she couldn't get it to work either.  So MSN/Hotmail/Microsoft things that are online/Etsy are not able to be accessed from campus at this time.

And none of the faculty techs will be back in until Monday morning.

This would happen while I was working.

:/

Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta...

I'm really excited about Greek.  We learned the alphabet yesterday, and then in my next class my teacher pulled up the Great Commission, in Greek, and I knew what some of the letters were!

I felt sweet.

Define: Booked

I got my work schedule.

On Monday, Biology starts at 9:00 and goes until 10:00.  Right after that is Chapel until a little after 11:00.  At 11:00 I am scheduled to work at the Help Desk in the Library until 1:00, which is when Greek starts.  It ends at 2:30, but I stay there for Introduction to Missions at 2:40 (Did I mention that all of my classes are in the same two rooms except for my Biology Lab?  I think that one is next door.).  That gets over at 3:40, just in time for me to go to the computer lab in the Student Center to work the 4:00-8:00 shift.

My plan is to go back to my room, set the alarm for 11:45 pm, pass out, and then sleep until 11:45 so I can make it to the library to work from midnight to 2 am.

Then I'll go pass out again until about 7:30 am so I can be on time to my 7:45 class Tuesday morning.

Mondays are gonna be extra rough this semester.

It's been a while...

I feel like I should be getting back into this.  I miss it.

But since I haven't done it lately I don't know where to begin.

I've got my laptop back now.  It's been on the fritz since May.  My dad got it working again.  Except that when you put the battery in, it goes to sleep.

Which is bizarre.

But other than that, it works, and I am glad.  Especially since school is starting in a few days.

Which is another topic.

By the time I finish buying books for this semester, I'll have spent about $400.

Not sweet.

But I am pretty excited about my classes.  Elementary New Testament Greek, Philosophy of Ministry, Introduction to Missions, and Biology.  Well, I'm excited about everything but Biology.  Especially since the two books I need are $100 apiece.

My job this year is going to be a little harder too.  Last year I worked for the Help Desk, but I didn't actually work at the Help Desk, I just worked in the labs.  Which was cool, cause I didn't think I could handle trying to help people over the phone.  But this year I'm working at the Help Desk, and I am terrified.  I don't really know that much about fixing computers, and I feel like it'll be harder over the phone.  Plus, my boss is going to listen in to one of our calls every month and evaluate us.

I'm scared.  I think I will have the people skills to be able to handle it.  I don't think I have the technology skills to be able to handle it.  I'm not really sure which is more important.  Hopefully the former.

I should probably get to bed soon.  Freshmen move in  tomorrow, and I have to work NSO.  Which I think stands for New Student Organization, but in Technology Services, it means No Student Offline.

Oh how clever.

Monday Morning Blues...

Do you want to know what happened last Monday morning at camp? Of course you do.



First, my watch died. Which stinks, because I have to be certain places at certain times, and that's harder when you don't know what time it is. Next, I took my cabin down to the Cedar Center for breakfast. When we were done praying, I said, "Amen." Then something hit my nose. I figured it was water from the tree above me. It was still morning, there's dew and all that, right? I wiped it off with my finger, and looked. Brown, with a hint of white. Yes, that's right, bird poop. On my face. On the way back to the cabin after breakfast, I hardcore twisted my ankle. During classes, Becca and I got to drive the golf cart around and take pictures. As we were driving, we noticed this smell. It smelled like something burning, but we figured it was a campfire (which we did think was a little strange, because it was pretty early and we didn't see one). When we got to the paintball class, my boss Kyle said he was going to ride back with us. While we were walking to the golf cart, I was telling Kyle what had happened earlier. A few feet from the golf cart, we realized that it was smoking. Kyle summed it up nicely: "Well, that's not good..." He walked up and picked up my bag. Now, you need to understand, I've had this bag for a year. It's hot pink with black cats all over it, and I love it. It's a cinch top backpack that my friend Leah's mom made for me. When Kyle picked it up, we saw that one of the straps had been singed off. Kyle and Becca looked at me, and I didn't know what to do, so I started laughing, and so did they. What kills me is that Becca and I SMELLED IT BURNING, we just didn't know what it was. No wonder the smell was following us around camp. After stomping out the rest of the embers on the strap, we got back on the golf cart and went down to the main part of camp again. On the way back to the cabins to get ready for lunch, I was telling Jon my day up until that point, and I was showing him where I twisted my ankle, and lo and behold, I twist the other one on the following step.

All this before lunch.

The next day, Tuesday, I was out taking pictures again. I was wearing a bright orange shirt when I went out to the paintball course. I thought it would be cool to get some pictures out in the field, so I informed all the boys that I would be out there, wearing my bright orange shirt and a white towel tied on my arm (theirs were red and blue to mark teams). I told them I wouldn't be hiding, I'd be out in the open, and asked them to please not shoot me because I had the camp's camera (although sometimes I wish we had a different one...). All was well for a while, until I got between the two teams. The blue team waved me past them so that they could shoot at the reds, so I walked right past them. They knew I was there, they'd just waved me past. And it was literally right past them, we were barely ten feet apart. So I got past their line, and then someone from the blue team turned around and shot me. I yelled, and everyone was like, "Who shot the girl?!" The boy said that it was an accident, but I don't know. The thing is, he didn't fire like, four shots and one of them hit me. It was a single shot, square on the shoulder. He totally aimed, and he HAD to see that it was an orange shirt. Plus, I JUST walked past them. It splattered in my hair and all over my neck, and some even made it into my mouth. It was loooooovely.



However, other than that, I had an amazing week. That was my best week counseling out of this year and last, and I wouldn't change a thing.
:)

Crack O' Dawn

I told my boss I was willing to help in the library now that it's supposed to be open 24 hours for exam week.

I was scheduled to work from 6 am to 8 am.

Here I am, outside the library, where the ID swipe won't let me in.  I hope it's just because I accidentally got here early.  Something better change at 6.

I usually work 5 pm - 9 pm on Saturdays, and I said I could cover 9 pm to 2 am as well.

It's gonna be a long day...

Update:

I'm in, no one is here, and I can't find the light switch.  It is really creepy in here...

Define: Subjectless

Lately it has been really hard for me to stay focused on finishing this semester.  The assignments seem to be getting more and more pointless, and due dates for big projects aren't creeping up on me, they are tackling me out of nowhere.  I think it's going to be harder to finish the spring semester here than it ever was at JCC, which is really strange.  I had problems being motivated at all while I was at JCC.  But, you gotta do what you gotta do, so I guess I'll stick with it and try.

I'm missing Porchfest tonight.  It's like the biggest campus event of the year.  My brother called to ask me if I could work for him in the library tonight, and I said yes.  I didn't really want to go to Porchfest anyway, but judging from how upset I am about having to work during it, I think I was subconsciously planning on letting myself be talked into going.  Plus, my whole small group (minus me) is in it, and I'm going to miss seeing them perform.  :/

So instead, I guess I'm throwing myself a pity party, which isn't the way to go.

Someone's cell phone is going off and it's really obnoxious.  Most people jump to answer their phones when they go off.  And it seems like they'd do that even quicker in the library.

I guess they just really like this song...?

Camp needs to get here soon.  I cannot wait to be back out there.

Today I realized...

...that 7:05 A.M. is a LOT earlier than I thought.

Define: Meaning

I've been realizing the last few days how much I really miss being close with God.


Through talking with Becca, and that TFK song, I realized how not tight we are.


Again.




I've already typed a book about what happened with Becca, but that TFK song was amazing too. I think that it's probably written about someone's wife or something, but to me it's more about God.

I like the part that says, "This place is many things, but I can't call it home, home is the place you are." I've gotten really wrapped up in drama about me moving out of my house lately, but in reality, it's not that big of a deal (I've noticed that I have been overreacting a lot lately). My real home is not even on earth; it's where God is.

And I like the lines that say, "I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of, I've said a few things that hurt you, but you're still the only one who fills me up, and all the tears that we've shared were worth it."
We've all done things we aren't proud of. And those things have hurt God. We don't always stop to think about that side of our actions. We get pretty wrapped up in their earthly effects. God is the only one who can fix us, though. He is the only one who can totally recharge us.
And it's not like He's sitting up in heaven just watching us mess up down here. He is involved in our lives, He cries when we cry. We do share tears. He doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain, He is in pain right alongside us.


I want God to be my heart, to be the one when it all comes undone, and even when I've got things together (if that ever happens...). I love talking to my friends when things are rough, but they're not the ones who can really fix it. My Father is the only one who can do that, and I want my heart to be just like His; I want Him to be the one in everything that I do.

My Home

This place is many things
But I'd never call it home
It's just a building in a city everywhere I go
This place is many things
But I can't call it home
Home is a place you are and I just wanna let you know
That I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of
I've said a few things that hurt you
But you're still the only who fills me up
And every night spent alone was worth it
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my home
You are my shelter when all my hope is gone
And I've seen many things
But they don't look like home
They're just the bright lights from a city glowing all night long
I've seen many faces
But they don't look the same
Home is a place you are and I just wanna let you know
That I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of
I've said a few things that hurt you
But you're still the only one who fills me up
And all the tears that we've shared were worth it
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my home
You are my shelter when all my hope is gone
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my heart
You are the one when it all comes undone

Define: Reconstruction

I'm really insecure.



I have some friends who are more like acquaintances than friends, but more like friends than acquaintances. I don't know them that well, but I know them more than just in passing. One of them really intimidates me. I haven't really figured out why. At first, I felt like he seemed kind of judgmental (it has just now occurred to me that it was kind of judgmental for me to think that about him). I don't know what made me think that, but I was afraid to talk to him for a long time because I was afraid of looking stupid. I thought I'd gotten over that.

I get the feeling that he doesn't really like my boyfriend. And that should not bother me as much as it does. Tonight he asked what it is that I like about him, and to be honest, I was caught a little off guard, and nothing came into my head right away, so I blushed and said, "I dunno, I just really do."

Becca knew how I felt about the relationship between my friend and my boyfriend, and she tried to fix it, and I tried to say a few reasons why I like him, but the moment had passed.

I felt like I didn't stand up for Jamin, and I felt really horrible about that. I talked to him about it, and he said he wasn't upset, that it sounded like my friend was sort of being a jerk about it. I don't know if I agreed with that, because really, it was just a question, and it wasn't a hard one. I could be reading the situation completely wrong, and my friend could not really have an opinion of Jamin, or maybe even like him. I just feel like he doesn't, and that makes me defensive.

And I don't know if I should be defensive about something like that. My friend's opinion really shouldn't matter in this. I know what my relationship is, and so does Jamin. Those are the two most important earthly opinions about it. I don't even know where my friend stands. I just don't want him to not like Jamin, and I don't know why that matters so much to me. Maybe he doesn't see what I do in him, and that's okay, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm making a bad choice, or just in a relationship for the sake of being in one because he doesn't see what I do. I also don't want him to think that because I couldn't answer right away that it's like a high school relationship.



I talked to Becca about it, and she brought up the point that my dad hasn't really been doing a stellar job of being a dad lately. Women (in my opinion, and Becca's too) were created to need and want male affirmation. I'm not getting that from my dad, so I'm looking for it in other places. My friend, being a male, isn't really showing support in my relationship choice, and that's really getting to me. Lack of support can sometimes feel the same as negativity (it doesn't help that I'm sort of getting the negative vibe about it from him).

I asked Becca why my dad isn't being a dad to me. It feels like I didn't do something to make him want to be my dad. Like I wasn't good enough at something. He's not affirming me: Why? Why won't he tell me that I'm okay? That he's proud of me? That he loves me?


And then Becca told me that it's not my fault.


It's not something that I didn't do, it's not something that I didn't do well enough. There are things that I can do. There are positive, good things in me. I am okay.

There are some women that I've met that I desperately want to be my friend. I know, it sounds lame. But there are people who I've met and observed that just make me think, "Wow, I wish they were my friend." Becca said, "Hey, I bet there are people out there who say the same thing about you."



I've put some of the pressure of my need for affirmation on Jamin, and I realized that I was doing that, but I didn't know what else to do. I need affirmation from somewhere. And I get it from my friends, especially from Becca, but I need it from a male source. I really need it from my dad.
And if I'm not getting it there, where else do I go?



To the best Father there is. To the Father who loves me for exactly who I am, and who tells me that through everything around me, and everything in me. To the God who created me to be okay; to be more than just okay.


It's from that Father that I need to pull my affirmation. He can give it like no one else, and build me up in a way that I can't even imagine.


And He can't wait to get started.



"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance."
(Jeremiah 31:3-4, MSG)

Things to Do Before I Die: Updated

- Meet someone named Sven
- Write a song
- Go skydiving
- Ride a horse around a racetrack
- Go on a road trip
- Bungee jump
- Climb a mountain
- Learn a trick on a skateboard
- Get splashed by a car driving through a puddle
- Fly an airplane
- Ice skate with a pillow on my butt
- Go to all 50 states
- See something on Broadway
- Sleep for an entire day
- Start a fire by rubbing two sticks together
- See the northern lights
- Have a temporary tattoo sleeve
- Learn to drive a semi
- Lie low across the border for a few days
- Build an igloo
- Hear a whale's song
- See a platypus in real life
- Get my motorcycle license
- Hit someone with a pie
- Read every book C.S. Lewis wrote
- Go snowboarding
- Be in a food fight
- Crowd surf
- Write a book
- Learn to play the drums
- Get a picture on Jones Soda
- Make a blanket and donate it to the Linus Foundation
- Swim in all five Great Lakes
- See the sunrise at Lake Huron/Lake Erie, then drive to Lake Michigan to watch it set
- Go surfing
- Go skinny dipping

MacBook + Mountain Dew = Wired Lappy

I had a scare yesterday involving two of my loves.

I spilled Mountain Dew on my laptop.

I turned my laptop off really fast and dried out what I could.  Then I let it sit for a while, but it wouldn't turn on.  I cried.

Then my aunt and I played around with it for a while, and we eventually got it to start working again.

However, now I can't get it to shut off.

The first time I told it to shut down and it restarted, I thought maybe I'd hit he wrong button.  But then it happened again.  And again, and again.  My laptop refuses to be shut off.  I can't even make it go into sleep mode.  It sleeps for about five seconds, and then turns right back on again.  Even when I shut it, it turns right back on (which was kind of funny at first, because I would shut it, it would go to sleep, turn back on, realize the lid was shut, go to sleep, turn back on, realize the lid was shut, go to sleep, etc.  I like to think that it's on a sugar buzz from the Mountain Dew, and that's why it refuses to be anything but up and running.).

The only way I can turn it off is to hold down the power button.  A few of the keys are a bit sticky as well, but I  can live with that as long as the computer works in general.

I've got a question: What have we become?

I was reading Psalm 51 last night, and I decided to check it out in The Message. A few of the verses really jumped out at me.

You're the one I've violated, and You've seen it all, seen the full extent of my evil.

I've been out of step with you for a long time.

What You're after is truth from the inside out.

Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.

I haven't been close with Him lately. I've been putting my God time aside, mostly because I've become totally absorbed in my new relationship. Outwardly, things seemed to be fine, but I knew on the inside that we haven't been tight in a while.

The thing that gets me is that being good on the outside but not on the inside is the same thing as not being good on the outside or the inside. God doesn't care about our image, he cares about what's going on in our hearts. My heart hasn't been right for a while, and in the back of my mind, I knew that. But it took a bad decision to make me realize how out of sync my heart is with God's. And He's seen it all. He knows every thought that's crossed my mind. He knows that I've judged people; He knows that I haven't given people the benefit of the doubt; He knows how cynical I've been towards almost everything in my life. He knows all of the things that I don't tell people so that they won't think I'm some horrible person. He knows.

And there's no way for me to fix that. It's silly for me to even pretend to think that I can. There's nothing I can do to change my horrible attitude. No matter what I do, I will still be a negative, cynical person.

But there is something that God can do about it. I love C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. My favorite is The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. One of the characters, Eustace, finds a dragon's lair, and is filled with greed at the sight of it. He puts on a bracelet that he's found in the lair before falling asleep. When he wakes up, he realizes that he's become a dragon. He tries to get the bracelet off, but he can't. It's painful to him; when he was transformed, the bracelet didn't grow in size. It constricts his leg. He goes back to his traveling companions, but nothing is the same. One night, Aslan comes to Eustace. He leads him to a beautiful well, and Eustace is sure that if he gets in it, it will make his leg feel better. Aslan tells him that he must first undress. Eustace isn't sure what he means; he's not wearing clothes; he's a dragon. Then he remembers that dragons are sort of like snakes, so maybe he can shed his skin. He started to scratch at his scales, and they came off with hardly any trouble. However, he realized that he was still a dragon. Twice more Eustace tried to get rid of his scales, and twice more it didn't work. Aslan told Eustace, "You will have to let me undress you." Eustace was afraid of his claws, but he laid down and let him do it. He tells his cousin Edmund, "The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt." But when Aslan is done, Eustace is a human again.

No matter how many times Eustace tried to change himself, he couldn't do it. Aslan had to do it for him. We can't change our insides. God can. When we try to change ourselves, it doesn't hurt, but that's because we haven't gone deep enough to truly be changed. When God steps in to remove the bad things from our lives, it's going to hurt, and it's going to hurt bad. But that's the only way that we can be changed.

When we really want God to come in and change us, He will, and He will do it right away. He's waiting for us to come to Him with our broken lives and ask for His help. He's never too busy for us, we don't have to wait to be fit into His schedule.

I want to jump into the well; I'm ready to be undressed. I know it's going to hurt, but I am sick of being a dragon.

Define: Love

Forget: put out of one's mind; cease to think of or consider; fail to remember; inadvertently neglect to attend to; fail to remember; to treat with inattention or disregard.

Forget can be a pretty harsh word.  To cease to think of or consider?  Ouch.  Forgetting is usually an accident, but when we forget something important, it can seem as if we don't remember because we don't care.

Engraved: to be permanently fixed in; to impress deeply.

Engraving seems pretty permanent to me.  There's no easy way to undo it, if there is a way at all.

Palm: the inner surface of the hand between the wrist and fingers.

The part of your hand that does a lot of touching.  The part of your hand that you feel with.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

Isaiah 49:15-16

Beginnings

There's definitely a line to be drawn in worrying about what other people think.  Decisions shouldn't be based entirely off of the opinion of others, but at the same time, I don't think it's right to completely disregard their opinions.

So how do you know where you should draw that line?  Where's the balance?

What do you do when you feel that the decision you've made is just fine, but someone that you respect doesn't seem to feel the same way?  You can't just blow it off; that relationship matters to you.  What they think is important.  But when it doesn't match up with what you think, where do you go from there?

People can change.  You can't hold their past over them forever, that's not fair.  How can you even pretend that you have anything resembling a relationship when you're doing that to them?  Could you really be trying to protect people, or would you just be dragging them into the problems between you two?  It's not fair to them to feel like they have to choose.

I meant to start this blog with something awkward/funny (hence the title), but I guess I'm not in the mood.