Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Define: Subjectless

Lately it has been really hard for me to stay focused on finishing this semester.  The assignments seem to be getting more and more pointless, and due dates for big projects aren't creeping up on me, they are tackling me out of nowhere.  I think it's going to be harder to finish the spring semester here than it ever was at JCC, which is really strange.  I had problems being motivated at all while I was at JCC.  But, you gotta do what you gotta do, so I guess I'll stick with it and try.

I'm missing Porchfest tonight.  It's like the biggest campus event of the year.  My brother called to ask me if I could work for him in the library tonight, and I said yes.  I didn't really want to go to Porchfest anyway, but judging from how upset I am about having to work during it, I think I was subconsciously planning on letting myself be talked into going.  Plus, my whole small group (minus me) is in it, and I'm going to miss seeing them perform.  :/

So instead, I guess I'm throwing myself a pity party, which isn't the way to go.

Someone's cell phone is going off and it's really obnoxious.  Most people jump to answer their phones when they go off.  And it seems like they'd do that even quicker in the library.
I guess they just really like this song...?

Camp needs to get here soon.  I cannot wait to be back out there.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Today I realized...

...that 7:05 A.M. is a LOT earlier than I thought.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Define: Meaning

I've been realizing the last few days how much I really miss being close with God.

Through talking with Becca, and that TFK song, I realized how not tight we are.


I've already typed a book about what happened with Becca, but that TFK song was amazing too. I think that it's probably written about someone's wife or something, but to me it's more about God.

I like the part that says, "This place is many things, but I can't call it home, home is the place you are." I've gotten really wrapped up in drama about me moving out of my house lately, but in reality, it's not that big of a deal (I've noticed that I have been overreacting a lot lately). My real home is not even on earth; it's where God is.

And I like the lines that say, "I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of, I've said a few things that hurt you, but you're still the only one who fills me up, and all the tears that we've shared were worth it."
We've all done things we aren't proud of. And those things have hurt God. We don't always stop to think about that side of our actions. We get pretty wrapped up in their earthly effects. God is the only one who can fix us, though. He is the only one who can totally recharge us.
And it's not like He's sitting up in heaven just watching us mess up down here. He is involved in our lives, He cries when we cry. We do share tears. He doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain, He is in pain right alongside us.

I want God to be my heart, to be the one when it all comes undone, and even when I've got things together (if that ever happens...). I love talking to my friends when things are rough, but they're not the ones who can really fix it. My Father is the only one who can do that, and I want my heart to be just like His; I want Him to be the one in everything that I do.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

My Home

This place is many things
But I'd never call it home
It's just a building in a city everywhere I go
This place is many things
But I can't call it home
Home is a place you are and I just wanna let you know
That I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of
I've said a few things that hurt you
But you're still the only who fills me up
And every night spent alone was worth it
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my home
You are my shelter when all my hope is gone
And I've seen many things
But they don't look like home
They're just the bright lights from a city glowing all night long
I've seen many faces
But they don't look the same
Home is a place you are and I just wanna let you know
That I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of
I've said a few things that hurt you
But you're still the only one who fills me up
And all the tears that we've shared were worth it
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my home
You are my shelter when all my hope is gone
You are my home
You are my everything when I feel so alone
You are my heart
You are the one when it all comes undone

Friday, April 11, 2008

Define: Reconstruction

I'm really insecure.

I have some friends who are more like acquaintances than friends, but more like friends than acquaintances. I don't know them that well, but I know them more than just in passing. One of them really intimidates me. I haven't really figured out why. At first, I felt like he seemed kind of judgmental (it has just now occurred to me that it was kind of judgmental for me to think that about him). I don't know what made me think that, but I was afraid to talk to him for a long time because I was afraid of looking stupid. I thought I'd gotten over that.

I get the feeling that he doesn't really like my boyfriend. And that should not bother me as much as it does. Tonight he asked what it is that I like about him, and to be honest, I was caught a little off guard, and nothing came into my head right away, so I blushed and said, "I dunno, I just really do."

Becca knew how I felt about the relationship between my friend and my boyfriend, and she tried to fix it, and I tried to say a few reasons why I like him, but the moment had passed.

I felt like I didn't stand up for Jamin, and I felt really horrible about that. I talked to him about it, and he said he wasn't upset, that it sounded like my friend was sort of being a jerk about it. I don't know if I agreed with that, because really, it was just a question, and it wasn't a hard one. I could be reading the situation completely wrong, and my friend could not really have an opinion of Jamin, or maybe even like him. I just feel like he doesn't, and that makes me defensive.

And I don't know if I should be defensive about something like that. My friend's opinion really shouldn't matter in this. I know what my relationship is, and so does Jamin. Those are the two most important earthly opinions about it. I don't even know where my friend stands. I just don't want him to not like Jamin, and I don't know why that matters so much to me. Maybe he doesn't see what I do in him, and that's okay, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm making a bad choice, or just in a relationship for the sake of being in one because he doesn't see what I do. I also don't want him to think that because I couldn't answer right away that it's like a high school relationship.

I talked to Becca about it, and she brought up the point that my dad hasn't really been doing a stellar job of being a dad lately. Women (in my opinion, and Becca's too) were created to need and want male affirmation. I'm not getting that from my dad, so I'm looking for it in other places. My friend, being a male, isn't really showing support in my relationship choice, and that's really getting to me. Lack of support can sometimes feel the same as negativity (it doesn't help that I'm sort of getting the negative vibe about it from him).

I asked Becca why my dad isn't being a dad to me. It feels like I didn't do something to make him want to be my dad. Like I wasn't good enough at something. He's not affirming me: Why? Why won't he tell me that I'm okay? That he's proud of me? That he loves me?

And then Becca told me that it's not my fault.

It's not something that I didn't do, it's not something that I didn't do well enough. There are things that I can do. There are positive, good things in me. I am okay.

There are some women that I've met that I desperately want to be my friend. I know, it sounds lame. But there are people who I've met and observed that just make me think, "Wow, I wish they were my friend." Becca said, "Hey, I bet there are people out there who say the same thing about you."

I've put some of the pressure of my need for affirmation on Jamin, and I realized that I was doing that, but I didn't know what else to do. I need affirmation from somewhere. And I get it from my friends, especially from Becca, but I need it from a male source. I really need it from my dad.
And if I'm not getting it there, where else do I go?

To the best Father there is. To the Father who loves me for exactly who I am, and who tells me that through everything around me, and everything in me. To the God who created me to be okay; to be more than just okay.

It's from that Father that I need to pull my affirmation. He can give it like no one else, and build me up in a way that I can't even imagine.

And He can't wait to get started.

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance."
(Jeremiah 31:3-4, MSG)

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Things to Do Before I Die: Updated

- Meet someone named Sven
- Write a song
- Go skydiving
- Ride a horse around a racetrack
- Go on a road trip
- Bungee jump
- Climb a mountain
- Learn a trick on a skateboard
- Get splashed by a car driving through a puddle
- Fly an airplane
- Ice skate with a pillow on my butt
- Go to all 50 states
- See something on Broadway
- Sleep for an entire day
- Start a fire by rubbing two sticks together
- See the northern lights
- Have a temporary tattoo sleeve
- Learn to drive a semi
- Lie low across the border for a few days
- Build an igloo
- Hear a whale's song
- See a platypus in real life
- Get my motorcycle license
- Hit someone with a pie
- Read every book C.S. Lewis wrote
- Go snowboarding
- Be in a food fight
- Crowd surf
- Write a book
- Learn to play the drums
- Get a picture on Jones Soda
- Make a blanket and donate it to the Linus Foundation
- Swim in all five Great Lakes
- See the sunrise at Lake Huron/Lake Erie, then drive to Lake Michigan to watch it set
- Go surfing
- Go skinny dipping