Friday, April 11, 2008

Define: Reconstruction

I'm really insecure.

I have some friends who are more like acquaintances than friends, but more like friends than acquaintances. I don't know them that well, but I know them more than just in passing. One of them really intimidates me. I haven't really figured out why. At first, I felt like he seemed kind of judgmental (it has just now occurred to me that it was kind of judgmental for me to think that about him). I don't know what made me think that, but I was afraid to talk to him for a long time because I was afraid of looking stupid. I thought I'd gotten over that.

I get the feeling that he doesn't really like my boyfriend. And that should not bother me as much as it does. Tonight he asked what it is that I like about him, and to be honest, I was caught a little off guard, and nothing came into my head right away, so I blushed and said, "I dunno, I just really do."

Becca knew how I felt about the relationship between my friend and my boyfriend, and she tried to fix it, and I tried to say a few reasons why I like him, but the moment had passed.

I felt like I didn't stand up for Jamin, and I felt really horrible about that. I talked to him about it, and he said he wasn't upset, that it sounded like my friend was sort of being a jerk about it. I don't know if I agreed with that, because really, it was just a question, and it wasn't a hard one. I could be reading the situation completely wrong, and my friend could not really have an opinion of Jamin, or maybe even like him. I just feel like he doesn't, and that makes me defensive.

And I don't know if I should be defensive about something like that. My friend's opinion really shouldn't matter in this. I know what my relationship is, and so does Jamin. Those are the two most important earthly opinions about it. I don't even know where my friend stands. I just don't want him to not like Jamin, and I don't know why that matters so much to me. Maybe he doesn't see what I do in him, and that's okay, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm making a bad choice, or just in a relationship for the sake of being in one because he doesn't see what I do. I also don't want him to think that because I couldn't answer right away that it's like a high school relationship.

I talked to Becca about it, and she brought up the point that my dad hasn't really been doing a stellar job of being a dad lately. Women (in my opinion, and Becca's too) were created to need and want male affirmation. I'm not getting that from my dad, so I'm looking for it in other places. My friend, being a male, isn't really showing support in my relationship choice, and that's really getting to me. Lack of support can sometimes feel the same as negativity (it doesn't help that I'm sort of getting the negative vibe about it from him).

I asked Becca why my dad isn't being a dad to me. It feels like I didn't do something to make him want to be my dad. Like I wasn't good enough at something. He's not affirming me: Why? Why won't he tell me that I'm okay? That he's proud of me? That he loves me?

And then Becca told me that it's not my fault.

It's not something that I didn't do, it's not something that I didn't do well enough. There are things that I can do. There are positive, good things in me. I am okay.

There are some women that I've met that I desperately want to be my friend. I know, it sounds lame. But there are people who I've met and observed that just make me think, "Wow, I wish they were my friend." Becca said, "Hey, I bet there are people out there who say the same thing about you."

I've put some of the pressure of my need for affirmation on Jamin, and I realized that I was doing that, but I didn't know what else to do. I need affirmation from somewhere. And I get it from my friends, especially from Becca, but I need it from a male source. I really need it from my dad.
And if I'm not getting it there, where else do I go?

To the best Father there is. To the Father who loves me for exactly who I am, and who tells me that through everything around me, and everything in me. To the God who created me to be okay; to be more than just okay.

It's from that Father that I need to pull my affirmation. He can give it like no one else, and build me up in a way that I can't even imagine.

And He can't wait to get started.

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance."
(Jeremiah 31:3-4, MSG)