*Insert something witty/creative here*

In my time working at the Help Desk, I've talked to a lot of people that were upset.

Some of these people, outside of the particular situation in which I interacted with them, have loads of people who testify to their cheery, big ball of sunshine attitude. Which makes me wonder, what are they really like?

I know that sometimes people just have off days, or get frustrated, but I also know that when every time someone calls they are rude, it's hard to chalk it up to a bad day.

I'd like to think that when I'm asking someone for their help, I am calm and considerate. I also know that can't possibly be the case, because I am a human being, and I am not perfect.

It's frustrating when the person I'm asking for help doesn't understand my problem right away, but I also know from being on the other side, that it's hard to know what the problem is when I can't see the computer screen, just as the people who help me can't see the whole picture either. All they've got to go on is what I tell them, just as all I know about the problem is what the person on the phone tells me.

I also need to understand, as the person giving help, that the person on the other end of the line may not be computer savvy. Sometimes it's easy for me to get frustrated with problem. I need to remember, from being on the receiving end of help, that all I know is what the person helping me is telling me. The relationship between the person being helped and the person helping is one in which each participant is very dependent on the other.

I need to keep this in mind not just at work or when I'm receiving help, but whenever I interact with someone else. When I ignore someone smiling at me, they don't know it's because I'm grumpy. They might think I don't like them. When someone doesn't wave back at me, I don't know it's because they're focused on something else, I think that they don't feel I matter to them.



I'm going to make an effort to be more conscious of the people around me, and even more conscious of myself.

Define: Meaning

I've been realizing the last few days how much I really miss being close with God.


Through talking with Becca, and that TFK song, I realized how not tight we are.


Again.




I've already typed a book about what happened with Becca, but that TFK song was amazing too. I think that it's probably written about someone's wife or something, but to me it's more about God.

I like the part that says, "This place is many things, but I can't call it home, home is the place you are." I've gotten really wrapped up in drama about me moving out of my house lately, but in reality, it's not that big of a deal (I've noticed that I have been overreacting a lot lately). My real home is not even on earth; it's where God is.

And I like the lines that say, "I've done a few things that I wasn't proud of, I've said a few things that hurt you, but you're still the only one who fills me up, and all the tears that we've shared were worth it."
We've all done things we aren't proud of. And those things have hurt God. We don't always stop to think about that side of our actions. We get pretty wrapped up in their earthly effects. God is the only one who can fix us, though. He is the only one who can totally recharge us.
And it's not like He's sitting up in heaven just watching us mess up down here. He is involved in our lives, He cries when we cry. We do share tears. He doesn't enjoy seeing us in pain, He is in pain right alongside us.


I want God to be my heart, to be the one when it all comes undone, and even when I've got things together (if that ever happens...). I love talking to my friends when things are rough, but they're not the ones who can really fix it. My Father is the only one who can do that, and I want my heart to be just like His; I want Him to be the one in everything that I do.

Define: Reconstruction

I'm really insecure.



I have some friends who are more like acquaintances than friends, but more like friends than acquaintances. I don't know them that well, but I know them more than just in passing. One of them really intimidates me. I haven't really figured out why. At first, I felt like he seemed kind of judgmental (it has just now occurred to me that it was kind of judgmental for me to think that about him). I don't know what made me think that, but I was afraid to talk to him for a long time because I was afraid of looking stupid. I thought I'd gotten over that.

I get the feeling that he doesn't really like my boyfriend. And that should not bother me as much as it does. Tonight he asked what it is that I like about him, and to be honest, I was caught a little off guard, and nothing came into my head right away, so I blushed and said, "I dunno, I just really do."

Becca knew how I felt about the relationship between my friend and my boyfriend, and she tried to fix it, and I tried to say a few reasons why I like him, but the moment had passed.

I felt like I didn't stand up for Jamin, and I felt really horrible about that. I talked to him about it, and he said he wasn't upset, that it sounded like my friend was sort of being a jerk about it. I don't know if I agreed with that, because really, it was just a question, and it wasn't a hard one. I could be reading the situation completely wrong, and my friend could not really have an opinion of Jamin, or maybe even like him. I just feel like he doesn't, and that makes me defensive.

And I don't know if I should be defensive about something like that. My friend's opinion really shouldn't matter in this. I know what my relationship is, and so does Jamin. Those are the two most important earthly opinions about it. I don't even know where my friend stands. I just don't want him to not like Jamin, and I don't know why that matters so much to me. Maybe he doesn't see what I do in him, and that's okay, but at the same time, I don't want him to think that I'm making a bad choice, or just in a relationship for the sake of being in one because he doesn't see what I do. I also don't want him to think that because I couldn't answer right away that it's like a high school relationship.



I talked to Becca about it, and she brought up the point that my dad hasn't really been doing a stellar job of being a dad lately. Women (in my opinion, and Becca's too) were created to need and want male affirmation. I'm not getting that from my dad, so I'm looking for it in other places. My friend, being a male, isn't really showing support in my relationship choice, and that's really getting to me. Lack of support can sometimes feel the same as negativity (it doesn't help that I'm sort of getting the negative vibe about it from him).

I asked Becca why my dad isn't being a dad to me. It feels like I didn't do something to make him want to be my dad. Like I wasn't good enough at something. He's not affirming me: Why? Why won't he tell me that I'm okay? That he's proud of me? That he loves me?


And then Becca told me that it's not my fault.


It's not something that I didn't do, it's not something that I didn't do well enough. There are things that I can do. There are positive, good things in me. I am okay.

There are some women that I've met that I desperately want to be my friend. I know, it sounds lame. But there are people who I've met and observed that just make me think, "Wow, I wish they were my friend." Becca said, "Hey, I bet there are people out there who say the same thing about you."



I've put some of the pressure of my need for affirmation on Jamin, and I realized that I was doing that, but I didn't know what else to do. I need affirmation from somewhere. And I get it from my friends, especially from Becca, but I need it from a male source. I really need it from my dad.
And if I'm not getting it there, where else do I go?



To the best Father there is. To the Father who loves me for exactly who I am, and who tells me that through everything around me, and everything in me. To the God who created me to be okay; to be more than just okay.


It's from that Father that I need to pull my affirmation. He can give it like no one else, and build me up in a way that I can't even imagine.


And He can't wait to get started.



"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance."
(Jeremiah 31:3-4, MSG)

Beginnings

There's definitely a line to be drawn in worrying about what other people think.  Decisions shouldn't be based entirely off of the opinion of others, but at the same time, I don't think it's right to completely disregard their opinions.

So how do you know where you should draw that line?  Where's the balance?

What do you do when you feel that the decision you've made is just fine, but someone that you respect doesn't seem to feel the same way?  You can't just blow it off; that relationship matters to you.  What they think is important.  But when it doesn't match up with what you think, where do you go from there?

People can change.  You can't hold their past over them forever, that's not fair.  How can you even pretend that you have anything resembling a relationship when you're doing that to them?  Could you really be trying to protect people, or would you just be dragging them into the problems between you two?  It's not fair to them to feel like they have to choose.

I meant to start this blog with something awkward/funny (hence the title), but I guess I'm not in the mood.